Believe

To My Daughter

2011-04-03T20:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Little Miss,

You are growing up so fast, and now you are six and a half years old. You are learning to read and write, and your intelligence astounds me. You keep me on my toes and challenge me to be a better person. For that, I thank you.

Today: you climbed into bed with us this morning, with your sweet little-girl smell and your tousled hair, and your beautiful sleepy smile. You tried to let us sleep by watching TV in the living room on your own, a beautiful, sweet gesture.

You are learning songs from various musicals for your school show, and some of them are from the movie Annie. So, I dug out my DVD copy of Annie and showed you the parts with the songs. You love the song Hard Knock Life...and I laughed so damn hard when you sang "It's a hard-knock life, for me" when I made you clean up your room! It's funny because I did the exact same thing when I was your age and my mom made me clean up my room!

Time is a funny thing. I sure never expected to show Annie, my favorite movie when I was six, to my six year old daughter. It sure is a sweet feeling, though, even if I did cry through the whole thing, for lost innocence and lost friends.

My hope, in writing this, is that these are the things I will remember about this day, and not all the frustrating things that happened between us, which are normal parts of growing up as mother and daughter together.

I love you, Little Miss, and I always will, no matter what.
Love,

Mommy

National Exposure

2010-10-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so incredibly thrilled to report that I will be presenting two (count 'em, TWO) classes at the 2011 Navigator Conference--the National Academies of Emergency Dispatch annual national conference. In Vegas, no less!

That's right, I get to teach classes at a NATIONAL conference!

I am over the moon excited and thrilled!

I have the best job in the world!

What It Comes Down To

2010-07-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

If I needed you, would you come to me?
Would you come to me for to ease my pain?
If you needed me, I would come to you.
I would swim the sea for to ease your pain.
Well the night's forlorn and the morning's born
And the morning's born with the lights of love.
And you'll miss sunrise if you close your eyes,
And that would break my heart in two.

If I needed you, would you come to me?
Would you come to me for to ease my pain?
If you needed me, I would come to you.
I would swim the sea for to ease your pain.
--Don Williams

Bucket List

2010-05-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Subject to revision on a regular basis:

Dance sexy in a slinky dress on a grand piano
Write a book
Reconcile my love for my work with my love for my family
Dance on a mountaintop a la Sound of Music
Present a class at Navigator 2011 at Paris Las Vegas
Dance my brains out at Lady Gaga's concert in Denver
Celebrate 50 years of friendship with Susie and Cathi
Continue to make my parents proud
Continue to live debt-free (excepting the mortgage)
Live my life according to my principles
Get 8 hours of sleep on a regular basis
Find a balance enough to read every day

More as I think of them...

Waterfalls

2010-03-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

From a website on dream interpretation:

Waterfalls are a beautiful symbol of rebirth--a cleansing and purification, a washing away of the old so that the new may come into being. If you are standing in a waterfall this can symbolize a form of baptism or initiation. Waterfalls are usually very positive dream symbols and can also be associated with starting a new life in some manner.

My own thoughts:
Waterfalls flow strongly forward until they reach the edge, where they throw themselves fearlessly into space. One whole becomes individual water droplets free-falling into the silky, misty air, reflecting rainbows and fractious light. Separate, but together creating a cascade of a new, different whole. Ever changing, always creating a thing of majestic beauty, their destiny shaped by law of gravity they at once defy and obey. Gracing the air and all around them with their presence, they're a privilege to behold...and impossible to hold.

I feel like I've been standing in the waterfall and am ready to emerge, clean and with eyes freshly cleansed, to see what happens next.

Grace

2010-03-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

The older I get and the more I learn about myself, the more unwilling I am to put myself in a position where I have to lie about how I feel. This seems to me an honoring of myself, to appreciate myself and to trust myself enough to know that if I'm lying about it, then it's not worth the time it takes to do. It's not worth the effort I must put forth to put on a happy face and go forth into whatever it is. To do so is a denial of who I am, and who I am is precious enough to protect against falsehood. After all, our actions speak for who we are.

I want to get up in the morning and have the freedom to say "Today, I do what I want because it is important to me, because it honors my life or that of the people most important to me." I do not want to end the day mourning the loss of precious time to conform to some social obligation or constraint, simply because it is what it is expected of me.

Why wait until I am much older to stand up for myself and refuse to do that which does not bring me joy? Would it not be a better use of time, a better way to honor the God who made me and to cherish those whom I hold most dear, to spend my time with them? Who deserves more of me: those whom I love and who love me? or those who make up the rest of the outer world?

I choose to honor my family. I choose to honor my friends, who love me and support me and cherish me for the unique person I am. I choose to live my own life, instead of the one society says I must. I choose to honor myself. It does not make me feel selfish, it does not make me selfish. When I choose to spend my time with or doing for those whom I love, it is a way of cherishing the gifts I have been given, the treasures of the people in my life.

The rest can just quietly slip away, like the unimportant flotsam it is.

Set it on fire

2010-01-25T22:38:00.001-08:00

Blessed with Lifelong Friendships

2010-01-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

I am not a person who easily makes friends with women. Most people who know me know this. And yet, I have been blessed in this lifetime with not one, but two, lifelong female friends. I am eternally grateful for these friendships and my life has been shaped and made infinitely better because of them.

One is my friend Cathi, whom I met in middle school through the school district's spelling bee. (That's 20 years ago, folks, for those keeping count.) She beat me in the contest, correctly spelling the word "indubitably" which I STILL have to double-check to make sure I get it right when I write it. Being beaten in a contest may seem like a strange way to start a friendship, but in fact that has characterized our friendship from the start. We have never been competitive with each other, and we complement each other very well. She is a wonderful person, very non-judgmental, funny, has a great outlook on life, and has a fashion sense I would kill for. She is very much her own person, and if she worries about what others think of her, she keeps it very close to her vest.

Our friendship has survived long distance (we attended colleges far from each other), deaths of family members, very different political outlooks, and differences of opinion on a variety of things. The beautiful aspect of our friendship is that we are able to celebrate each other's differences, and we rely on each other to provide a different way of thinking. We help each other get out of our heads and into someone else's thoughts, with no judgment passed and no rancor. There are very few people I trust with my deepest, darkest secrets, for fear that they might turn their backs on me. I never worry about that with Cathi, and I hope she knows that I extend her the same honor. I thank her for being in my life, and for being such a treasured part of mine.

As if that weren't enough, I am blessed with Susie.

I met Susie on the first day of kindergarten, when we were both 5 years old. We have been nearly inseparable since. Today, Susie turns 33 years old, and it is a rare thing to have known someone almost their entire life and not be related to them. Susie is gifted with patience, a wicked sense of humor, a gentleness I long to possess, the ability to stand her ground without being confrontational, and a strong commitment to being herself. She is my roller coaster partner, my friend, my confidante. She is the twin I never had. Although I love my husband very much, Susie is my soul mate in the sense that she knows my soul better than I do, knows when to boost me up and when to kick me in the butt and tell me I'm wrong. She truly knows the song in my heart, and sings it back to me when I forget it. I only hope that I am half the friend to her that she is to me.

I have saved cards, and letters, and notes passed in class, from each of these precious people. My life history could not be written without either of them. How incredibly lucky, and blessed, and graced I have been by these two incredible women. In a world where it's easier to leave people when they displease us, where commitment is sometimes a mushy thing, these women teach me every day about what it is to be a friend. I am humbled by, and truly grateful for, their friendship and their trust.

Thank you, Cathi.
Thank you, Susie.

Happy birthday, K.G.F.!

Thank you, God, for the sacred gift of lifelong friendship. I know it is rare, and I am incredibly blessed by these two people in my life.

New Year, New Thoughts

2010-01-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

This is 2010, a new year, and a new decade. These are the promises I make to myself, and by publishing them here, I hope to keep them and be held accountable.

1. Live my family life by the following values:
Health
Happiness
Family.

These values do not include having a spotless house, maintaining grudges, worrying about how much junk is riding around with me in my car, etc. They do encompass what I want in my life and how I want to treat those I love.

I refuse to start a new decade thinking the same thoughts that make me unhappy, doing the same things that make me unhappy, etc. I am in control of my life. I refuse to be a victim of my own negative thoughts.

In 2010 and thereafter, I resolve to banish negative thoughts and the cycle of arguments in which I've been stuck. I refuse to fight the same fights, both in my head and otherwise, that I spent 2009 fighting. No more will I be a prisoner to thoughts that weigh me down and take away from happiness.

What this really comes down to is self-control. If I can control myself at work and put forth a positive attitude there, then why not at home? And if I'm unhappy about things, who in the world is going to fix it if I don't? I'm responsible for my own happiness, no one else is. I've known this for a long time, but now I'm recommitting to taking responsibility and really deciding what I let into my life and what I simply dismiss as something I don't want in my life, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.

I wish all my friends and family the best in 2010. I love you all more than I can say, and without you I would not be who I am. I hope to make you proud this year, this decade, this lifetime. I hope to be someone I can be proud of.

Christmas Cheer

2009-12-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

A few pictures, and a video, for your holiday pleasure.

Little Miss, Carly and Owen at her Caroling party (planned completely by her).

The video is us serenading the firefighters across the street

This is my favorite Christmas picture so far, I wish Justin was in it but he's the one who took the picture!

Winner!!!

2009-12-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

And...that gorgeously lit house below won the Town of Gypsum's Clark Grizzwald Award!

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

We also won runner-up for best light display in our subdivision.

Wahoo!

Chez Kirkland, at Christmastime

2009-12-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

These pictures aren't very good, I'm sure some of my photographer friends could do much better...but I'm still damn proud of our Christmas lights this year. Everything is LED except for the fire truck in the front yard. Thanks to my sweet husband Justin for indulging in my obsession, and supporting me both financially and personally. Thanks to Little Miss for creative direction and her patience while I spent many hours putting up the lights. And thanks to God for providing the snow, after I had already gotten most of the lights up and for keeping me from falling off the roof for another year.

And this is the foot and a half of snow we woke up to this morning.

P90X Finish!

2009-12-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

I am officially done with my first round of P90X! It took me about three weeks longer than the actual program to finish. I got off one week during the program, and then as I was starting week 12, I had a very stressful event at work and then I went to Kansas City for a week and ate out at restaurants. At the point before the work event, I was down to 141 pounds, a 28.5 inch waist, 37.5 hips and 23.5 inch thighs. A week in KC put me back up a little bit. I consider this a temporary setback, as I plan to start Revabs and supplement it with some of the weight routines from P90X.

I know that if I had followed the nutrition plan more exactly, I would have gotten better results. However, I am very proud of myself for finishing the program and for the results I do have, and this is just the start. :)

My reward is better health, better fitness, and a size 8 (!) Calvin Klein dress I plan to wear to a Christmas party this season.

Final stats:
Weight Day 1: 149. Day 90: 143
Chest Day 1: 37 inches, Day 90: 35 inches
Waist Day 1: 33 inches, Day 90: 29 inches
Hips Day 1: 42 inches, Day 90: 38 inches
Thighs Day 1: 25 inches, Day 90 24 inches

Thanks to Justin and Little Miss, without whose support I couldn't have done it!

The above two swimsuit pictures are starting pictures, below are the finish pictures!

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T06:50:00.001-08:00

I am living a truly blessed life, and I say this with a humble and grateful heart. Here are some of the things I am grateful for, in no particular order and certainly not one more than the other.

1. I am grateful for a husband who loves me and has stuck by me in hard times and in good. We are learning how a marriage lasts forever and ever, we are doing it together. I am blessed to have him in my life, and grateful to him.

2. I am grateful for Jalyne, who delights me every day with her unique view on the world. She reminds me to slow down and enjoy life, to find wonder in the little things, and to embrace every day as a new opportunity. She loves me unconditionally (even though I don't always deserve it) and she remains my "bird of light."

3. I am grateful for an extended family that includes my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Justin's parents, his grandparents, and his various family members. They remind us of our roots, keep us grounded, love our daughter like crazy, and help us with guidance and child care all the time. What would we do without them?

4. I am grateful for my friends. Susie, Cathi, Ryan, David, and a host of other people nurture my soul, celebrate with me the highs and help me through the lows. My life would be much darker and harder without these angels on earth.

5. I am grateful for a job I love. So many people are stuck in jobs they hate. I am blessed to have a job that allows me to give back to my community and love life while doing it. I never work a day in my life because I love what I do so much it's not "work." It's an act of love.

We have a wonderful house, food on the table, and more blessings than any one family really has a right to. I hope to make my life a song of gratitude, every minute of every day.

If you are reading this, then I am grateful to YOU, because you are someone special to me, and I'm grateful you are in my life!

Who are we, then?

2009-11-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was franticsaying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself

if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you

if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you

you and I we're like 4 year olds
we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds
and never talk small and be intuitiveand question mightily
and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions

if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsession
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection
we need a really good memory
--excerpted from Joining You by Alanis Morissette

If we are not all these things, who are we? What are we?

Retreat

2009-10-30T19:43:00.001-07:00

These pictures are from a retreat our Leadership Team at work attended this week at Sylvan Lake. The top picture is a hillside I drove by on the way to the lake. It had snowed the night before and it's hard to describe how pristine everything looked while I was driving up in the early morning. This picture does not do it justice.

The cabin is where we held our retreat, and the lake is the view we had out the cabin windows while we had our retreat.

I am so blessed to live surrounded by God's beauty, and to be able to see the golden eagle I saw driving up to the cabin, and to listen to the owl's call that night as I sat outside by the fire watching the lake settle into the evening and the snow falling.

Black and White

2009-10-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

I recently joined a group on Flickr called Minimalist Black and White. This is a photo group that posts pictures only in black and white. I don't post on it (although I probably should) but I love to look at other people's pictures.

I have always loved the stark beauty inherent in black and white photography. The lines are so clean, it's clear where one thing starts and another ends, and even the shades of gray that show up are beautiful.

I sometimes wish life were more like black and white photography. I wish danger zones were more apparent, that things were what they seemed, and that the gray areas held more promise than they sometimes do in life.

I look back over what I just wrote, and I know that life is all about the gray shades. No one is one thing or another, we are all mixtures of black and white and gray and blue and pink and magenta and violet and every other color. We would be boring, colorless.

But my heart is in pain for a friend whose life is lived in shades of gray, of uncertainty. He feels powerless to change what is challenging in his life and thus lives without color. His vision is that of black and white; he's right, everyone who doesn't agree with him is wrong. His black and white vision is his prison. Tonight he's in his own solitary confinement and my heart aches for him.

It's when life gets tough that I wish it were as easy as black and white; it's when I look at where that viewpoint gets a person that I remember black and white is better left in pictures and that life is better lived in color.

Hugs to you, my friend. Hugs to you and I wish I could fix it for you but all I can do is be your friend. I hope it's enough.

Snowflakes Falling

2009-10-27T21:56:00.001-07:00

I was driving home from points East today, and watched as the first snowflakes fell, in a storm that promises to be a beast. The first (I think) Winter Storm Warning for the year and I got to drive home as it was beginning. It began (like everything else usually does)...slow. Picked up speed, so that by the time I got to Vail, it was picture-perfect, huge, Christmas-like snowflakes. I went into work for about 45 minutes and when I came out there was about an inch of wet, heavy snow on my car. Thank goodness I had my snowbrush in the car already. And my sweet hubby had snow tires put on my car on Sunday. Justin time. :)

I love winter, and I don't care who around me hates it. There are few pleasures in life better than cozying up on the couch with a blankie, a cup of hot chocolate, relaxing music on the stereo, a good book, and snow falling outside. Now doesn't that sound peaceful? Add in a fire in the fireplace, a dog and a cat sleeping in front of it, and your family cuddled up with you, and that right there is a pretty good depiction of a level of Heaven.

You can talk to me all you want about how shoveling is a pain in the keister, and driving is dangerous, and it's too cold, etc. etc. It's all going in one ear and out the other. Snow makes everything beautiful. It outlines tree branches and makes them works of art. It adds a quality of magic to Christmas lights on houses. It evokes the mystery of Christmas and starts us thinking about how life is much bigger than the little daily pieces of living.

Grouse about the snow if you want to, but don't be surprised when I shout my glee louder than your complaints. :)

Long days and Short Years

2009-10-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

October 14, 2004 October 14, 2009

Happy 5th Birthday, baby girl. I can't wait to see what the future holds!

Crystal Clear

2009-10-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today God coated the world in crystal. Heading down from Estes Park, a freezing fog had left every blade of grass, every pine needle, every barb on the barb wire fence, was outlined in shimmering ice crystals. It was breathtakingly beautiful, ethereal, like being in Heaven itself. I felt so blessed to be there, sharing the sight with my family.

It's hard for me to reconcile such beauty in a world full of so much pain. I am blessed with my health, the health of my friends and family, a job I love that allows me to take care of my family...I feel selfish just listing it all. And yet there are people out there struggling to feed their families, to keep their families together, to keep a roof over their heads. It's so incongruous.

I know God has a plan for all of us, whether we know it or not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that we may never know the reasons for things that happen; that the reason may reverberate through generations before coming to fruition, and that it's not for us to know. I trust in God to know what's right. But for the sake of my friend who is struggling through more than one person should really have to...I hope that life eases up for my friend soon. I hope that the reasons for my friend's pain become as crystal clear as the blades of grass this morning, so that the struggle does not appear to be in vain.

On another note, today was the year anniversary of the last day I spoke to my friend, Kim. It was on this day last year that I sat in her hospital room for two hours and we had a heartfelt conversation. I knew at the time it could be our last, and yet I refused to believe it. I'm so incredibly grateful to God that we were given those two precious hours alone, so we could speak freely. When our time was up and I could no longer delay leaving or risk missing my flight, I gave her the longest hug I could, kissed her, and forced myself to walk out of her room, down the hall, down the elevator, and out the hospital door. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

She died exactly one month later.

I'm sure God's reasons for taking her at 33 years old are crystal clear to Him. They are not to me. I am not angry at God. But I miss my friend.

Written on the plane home from Kansas City, MO

2009-10-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am homebound, trailing sunrise behind me. I feel so empowered, as though I could do anything, and the light behind me is the illumination of the insight I've gained in Kansas City. I feel almost as though I've learned more about how to help my personal life than professional, although I certainly gained many practical, useful skills for the communciations center.

What's been refreshing is the reminder that relationships really are the meat of what we do. Relationships with peers, supervisors, those we supervise, and the world in general. We certainly forge a relationship with each caller. I will be more aware of the importance of each, especially the ones that try my patience.

Building a relationship based on trust paves the way for everything else that comes--strategic planning, emergency planning, financial planning--everything. If people trust you, then when you bring proposals to them, or direct them in times of crisis, they know you have their best interests at heart, and will follow you.

What an incredible responsibility. What you owe to someone who trusts you so implicitly is tremendous. You cannot fail, and if you stumble, you had better make amends quickly. Trust is so deep and yet so fragile, and not always easily rebuilt.

I learned more about myself this week than I expected to. Some of it was pleasant, some of it was very difficult to face. I know that the pivot point is the choice I make with what to do with the knowledge.

I feel like I have 32 new friends: 30 people in class (minus me) and 3 great core facilitators. What a gift to receive! What a priceless treasure waiting to be discovered in each one!

I feel renewed and re-energized, and I hope I can retain this feeling and bring it to my coworkers and my family.

P90X Day 30!

2009-09-21T13:56:00.001-07:00

I've been doing P90X, a 90-day extreme home fitness program that works your entire body. You work out six days a week and stretch on the 7th. These are the pictures, one from my starting day, and one from day 30. I LOVE THIS PROGRAM! And thanks to my coach, Mandy, without whom I might have given up long ago. She's also the one who inspired me to start in the first place, with HER 30 day pix! Check out her site at www.getfitwithmandy.com!

The one on the left is the starting, the one on the right is the 30 day mark.

Below, left: starting, right: 30 day

I dunno if this will work

2009-05-26T21:25:00.001-07:00

but if it doesn't you have to check this out on YouTube, search Maru and the Giant Box.

Wisdom--Such as it is

2009-05-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

The older I get the more I realize how much I don't know. What I have learned, and intend to teach my daughter, is that there is very little more important than knowing yourself and not compromising who you are to fit other people. Yes, I understand there is a certain social aspect to life and there are accommodations we all make in order to function as members of society. I'm not talking about restraining yourself for the sake of societal niceties i.e. political correctness, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings on an issue, etc.

I'm talking about loving and respecting yourself enough to recognize that you are a unique individual, and if you don't fit with someone, for heaven's sake, don't bury that which makes you special and unique in order to live your life with that person.

God makes us individuals because He believes that we each bring something different and special to the table, so to speak. Denying yourself the right to your beliefs, your thoughts and opinions, and your ability to act upon those, is denying God the ability to work through you.

I wish I had figured this out in my 20s and not in my 30s. I will work to teach our daughter this concept. I want her to love herself for who she is, and have the ability to tell anyone who's trying to change who she is, fundamentally, to FUCK OFF. No one should have so much control over someone as to change, or try to change, the fundamental basis of who a person is.

Gratitude

2009-04-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for my family and my friends. I have the best set of friends a girl could ask for. Thank you, everyone!

My New Tattoo

2009-03-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a pic of my new tattoo, on my right hip. I will post better pics soon. I LOVE IT!!!

Now Is the Time

2009-03-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica Shoffstall

Facebook Phenomenon

2009-03-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

I just have to say, I love Facebook so much. I love that I'm in contact with so many of my friends in one place. I love keeping in touch that way, I feel like I'm more involved in their lives (and they in mine).

I love being so connected to so many people, even if it's only in a virtual environment.

I love being able to share pictures and bits and pieces of my life with other people.

I know this sounds like a blatant sell-out ad for Facebook, but I don't care. I am so grateful to that website for helping me have a social life, which is important to a full-time-working mom who can't get out to meet people in person nearly as much as she wants.

Update

2009-02-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me to post an update here on recent events, and I would gladly oblige, but the simple fact is: nothing's going on!

Things are the same. Life is good.

Justin did get promoted to Captain/Fire Marshal. He is not so sure he likes the extra workload but I know he's doing the best job he can, just like he does with everything.

Little Miss continues to grow and be much smarter than I could ever hope to be. She is challenging and loving, compassionate and eager to learn.

I did have an unfortunate experience last week, ironically on February 17: I rolled my car on I-70 on the way to Georgetown to meet my parents and drop Little Miss off with them for the week. It was slushy and I slid on slush, couldn't keep from skidding into the median, where we hit a snowbank, did an endo and then barrel rolled in the air before landing on our wheels.

We were very blessed in that we suffered very minor injuries. Little Miss had a scratch on her hand and I have scratches and bruises, mostly from the ice that came into the car during the rollover. The car is totaled, but we are ok.

Other than that, thankfully, life has been pretty much status quo.

Happy Birthday!

2009-02-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my friend whose birthday is February 17! You know who you are...and for those of you whose birthday it isn't, I hope you have a great week!

Family Photo

2008-12-09T09:29:00.001-08:00

This is the picture we are sending in our Christmas cards this year, for those of you who may not be receiving a Christmas card (I may not have your address, or some such other technical difficulties).

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Peace

2008-11-12T14:29:00.000-08:00

No one ever deserved more to live than my friend, Kimberly Joyce Rupp. But if she could not live, no one ever deserved more to rest in gentle peace.

With apologies to Shakespeare, I offer the following quote:

Come, gentle night, — come, loving black brow'd night,
Give me my Kaihea; and when she shall die,
Take her and cut her out in little stars,
And she will make the face of Heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
Juliet, Act III, scene ii

In memory of Kimberly Joyce Rupp, 33 precious years old, who lost her battle with cancer at midnight, November 12, 2008

Repost from my friend Kaihea's update website

2008-11-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

As of tonight, there's no denying we are losing our Kaihea.

Over the past weeks it has become increasingly clear that no plausible medical options remain, and that the damage her body has sustained is simply irreversible. We have shifted from trying to fight the cancer to trying to reduce her suffering, and her family and I have worked hard to make sure Kaihea's wishes regarding resuscitation, etc. were clearly understood and documented before she lost the ability to communicate.

Over the past 48 hours she has become almost completely unresponsive to any outside contact.

She does not seem to be in any pain, and some excellent doctors and nurses are working hard to make sure any pain or discomfort is avoided. Either a family member or myself (usually quite a few of us) is with her at all times and will be through the end. We expect that soon she will slip away painlessly. Her long and difficult battle is nearly over, and I would not say she's losing the fight; rather, we've long felt that every day, week, month we've managed to keep her around is its own victory, and well worth celebrating.

I know you are all aching to do something for her. If you pray, now is the time to pray not for a miracle but for a peaceful and painless end. The time for medicine has passed, and also the time for miracles. You have all done so much for her, shown her so much support and love throughout this ordeal; now is the time when we must let her go, and wish her a gentle and safe passage to whatever lies beyond.
------written by her loyal and courageous boyfriend and soulmate, Manko Eponymous

Halloween!

2008-11-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a couple of Halloween pictures from VEGAS!! It was such a blast!

My friends

2008-10-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

What my friends teach me all the time:

Forgiveness is a gift.

Reaching out to someone means a lot.

Texting is a form of showing love.

Friends and family are the most important things in life.

I am so grateful for my friends. I love you all.

My Friend Kaihea

2008-10-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

Justin and I are in Washington, D.C. visiting my friend Kaihea, who is in the hospital battling cancer.

The good news is, she's doing a lot better than I thought she was. YAAY!!

The bad news is, she's fighting a lot of things she shouldn't have to be, like MRSA, pneumonia, and side effects from chemo, mostly nausea.

It is sooooo good to see her and talk with her.

I have faith in God and his healing powers, and I know that God will heal her in his own time. I do not understand why she must suffer first, but I know He will heal her.

May Love Hold Her.

Some pics

2008-09-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Here's some recent pics.

Also, for anyone who isn't on Facebook, I HIGHLY recommend joining. It's the easiest way I've discovered to keep up with friends. I post photos there all the time because it's the easiest way to share them, and my friends and I can all keep track of each other much easier.

Hard lessons to learn

2008-09-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

First off, because I have so many wonderful friends who care (and I mean that in the most sincere sense possible), my friend is out of the ICU and doing marginally better. Justin and I fly to Washington, D.C. to see her next week, and I'm practically jumping out of my skin because I want to be there NOW. I'll try to contain myself.

I've learned some pretty tough lessons this week. I may or may not have cost myself a couple of friendships, hopefully not but if I did it was my own fault.

I'm so glad to be reminded that I'm a human being, a work in progress, and thank goodness for divine forgiveness. At least He forgives me, even if my (also human) friends can't.

I guess the day I stop learning is the day I die.

Desperation

2008-09-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have faith. And I believe in miracles. And more importantly, I believe in the power of good over evil.

And so, I apply my faith, and my beliefs, to my friend Kaihea, who is, as we speak, in the ICU in Washington, D.C. Not only is she fighting this horrible, evil cancer, but she had to have surgery to replace a kidney stent over the weekend. And as if that weren't bad enough, she aspirated fluid during the surgery. Which landed her in the ICU. Because fighting the cancer isn't fucking enough, I guess she needed to have her strength taxed even further fighting stupid fluids in her lungs.

Despite the bleak outlook, I have faith that God will heal her. I believe that the hour before dawn is the darkest. I hope like hell this is the darkest hour. Please, God, let this be the turning point. Please shrink the tumors. Please heal her lungs. Please, God, please, let my friend live. She's only 34 years old. It is not her time. The gifts she has for this world are many and wondrous.

Please, God. I'm on my knees, asking for your mercy. Hold her in your arms and shine your healing light upon her.

Please.

Kindness

2008-09-23T17:59:00.001-07:00

Thumper had it right: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Ok, so that was Thumper's mom.

But still, this advice and the good old Golden Rule have it right.

I think the key to happiness is to be the best person you can possibly be.

Don't worry about other people's behavior. Just yours. If you treat everyone else in the highest regard possible, then good things will come your way.

And if they don't, they were not meant to be.

I'm so smart...it only took me 31 years to figure this out (or to rediscover it).

:)

Geography

2008-09-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know there is something to be said about old, long, established love. There's an attraction to knowing someone so well you can finish their sentences, and the perfect gift to give, etc.

But let's face it, there's a certain dynamic attraction to the first few heady days of falling in love. Or falling in lust.

Now, before you all go freak out on me, I'm thinking about this because I'm watching Pretty Woman. I'm not cheating on Justin. :)

But watching Richard Gere and Julia Roberts fall in love with each other, kiss each other on the lips for the first time, Richard teasing Julia with the diamond necklace box....

the allure of fresh possibilities, the promise of new experiences, is just as attractive as the person you are sharing it with.

Is it possible to have that with someone you've known for 10 years?

I think so, and I'm setting out to prove it.

It's been a while

2008-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Like Thumper says: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I haven't had anything nice to say in a while. Life has been quite a roller coaster lately.

With another down today.

The funny thing is, since life isn't definite, like a roller coaster, one never knows when what appears to be a down really might be an up, saving you from an even worse down we never know about.

It is so hard to not base one's self-esteem on what other people think.

I have to remember that I am a strong, independent woman who is beautiful and smart and perfect in her own imperfect way. God made me this way.

I am a work in progress. What does not kill me will make me stronger.

Everything happens for a reason, even the things that crush us.

Strange Fire

2008-07-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

When you learn to love yourself

You will dissolve all the stones that are cast

Now you will learn to burn the icing sky

To melt the waxen mask

I said to have the gift of true release

This is a peace that will take you higher

Oh I come to you with my offering

I bring you strange fire

This is a message

A message of love

Love that moves from the inside out

Love that never grows tired

I come to you with strange fire

--lyrics by Indigo Girls

Indifference

2008-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

To a person who only wants to be heard and understood, being ignored is sometimes cruel violence.

Neat Quotes That Speak to Me Right Now

2008-06-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

"Love is a choice you make from moment to moment."--Barbara De Angelis

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."--Barry Lopez

"Choose
The single clenched fist lifted and ready,
Or the open hand held out and waiting.
Choose:
For we meet by one or the other."--Carl Sandburg

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."--Elaine Maxwell

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."--Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I'm doing what I think I was put on this earth to do. And I'm really grateful to have something that I'm passionate about and that I think is profoundly important."--Marian Wright Edelman

"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."--Rollo May

"The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it."--Pearl S. Buck

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."--Theodore Roosevelt

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."--Virginia Satir

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."--Albert Schweitzer

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."--Albert Schweitzer

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."--Denis Waitley

Crisis of Identity

2008-06-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

I feel cheated. I really thought, when I was younger, that I would have all the answers when I grew up. I remember going through a crisis of identity in my mid-20s, and I was so happy when it was over. It was one of the worst times in my life. I didn't know who I was or what I stood for.

Now I'm at the beginning of my 30s and I'm having the same problem, and I just don't think it's fair. Shouldn't I know by now who I am? What's important to me? Or is this stuff going to continue to change my whole life! Do I have to go through this every decade? I'm not sure if my family can stand it.

I wish I could just sit down and write a list, and say: This is it. This is me. This is who I am, and if you don't like it, tough. I spend so much time trying to be all things to everyone, and part of me likes that I am versatile like that, but I sometimes feel lost in the middle of that. Especially when what one person wants conflicts with what another person wants, or even with what I want. I have a hard time justifying saying: "This is what I want, and I'm going to do what I want."

Is part of growing up learning to say that? And how do you decide when other people's priorities are more important than your own?

Survey

2008-06-11T03:16:00.001-07:00

Does the statement describe you or not?
I love to be the center of attention.
True

I have a tattoo.
not yet

I have a piercing.
Ears

I have a cat.
two

I have a dog.
not yet

I have been sent to the principal's office.
not while I was in school, I is an adult now

I have been suspended.
no

I have gotten detention.
no

I have been expelled.
no

I have gotten in a fight at school.
no

I have lost an iPod.
no

I have lost a cell phone.
no

I have listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
yes

I have listened to rap and enjoyed it.
yes

I have listened to showtunes and enjoyed it.
Hell yeah

I have seen a movie with Lindsay Lohan in it.
I...don't think so.

I have taken an art class.
yes

I have written a song.
no

I have written a poem.
yes

I have been part of a wedding party.
yes

I have been to a funeral.
Unfortunately

I have baked a cake.
yep

I have baked cookies.
yep

I have bought shoes that cost over a hundred dollars.
Um, no. Can't imagine it, either

I have made fun of someone.
Unfortunately

I have read a Harry Potter book.
All of them.

I have read the Chronicles of Narnia.
Yes, the whole series

I have read A Series if Unfortunate Events.
nope

I have read A Wrinkle in Time.
Yes

I have read Animal Farm.
yes

I have read the dictionary.
not cover to cover, but I use it for its intended purpose

I own a dictionary.
yes

I own a thesaurus.
yes

I have lost a text book.
yes

I have had a cavity.
yes

I have broken a bone.
yes

I have had an X-Ray.
yes

I have broken a bone.
yes

I have had chicken pox.
yes

I have had pnuemonia.
no

I have had a child.
yes

I have been in a parade.
yes

I have sung karaoke.
yes, and love it!

I have had a cup of tea.
yep. Dumb question, though

I have sang in public.
yep

I have danced in public.
yep

I have made a teacher cry.
Not to my knowledge

I have made a teacher laugh.
yes

I have been to the house of one of my teachers.
yes

I have seen The Princess Bride.
hell yeah!

I have faked sick.
yes

I have taken a foreign language class.
yes

I have spoke in a British accent for an entire day.
Not for an entire day, but for extended periods of time

I have fallen off a horse.
no

I have ridden a horse.
yes

I have placed a saddle on a horse.
yes

I have driven a tractor.
yes

I have held a duck.
touched, but not held

I have held a shark.
no

I have held an iguana.
yes

I have held a rabbit.
yes

I have held a hamster.
yes

I have held a guinea pig.
yes

I have held a mouse.
yes

I have held a rat.
no

I have held a chick.
yep

I have held a cat.
many times

I have gotten a free doughnut at Krispy Kreme.
no

I have cried myself to sleep.
yes

I have written a love letter.
yes

I have received a love letter.
yep

I have been to Disneyland.
yep

I have left the country.
yep

I am British.
no

I am German.
yes

I am Spanish.
no

I am Asian.
no

I am Italian.
no

I am Black.
no

I am Scottish.
no

I am Swiss.
no

I am Irish.
yes

I am tall.
no

I am fat.
no

I am skinny.
no

I am in love.
Sure am

I am loved.
Absolutely

I am alive.
as can be

I am happy.
yep

I am confused.
sometimes

I am depressed.
almost never

I am excited.
yep

I wish it were summer.
It IS summer!

I wish I was older.
no

I wish I was younger.
some days

I wish I could start over.
some days

I miss someone.
yep

Water

2008-05-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

So, all that snow I wrote about in the last post is melting, and now they're calling for river flooding.

Not that we didn't see this coming, of course.

But it's kind of impressive how fast the river is actually rising. It's noticeable from one day to the next.

Seems like the s*** hits the fan every time I leave the valley on vacation.

Well, Moab, here I come! :)

Restless

2008-05-08T22:36:00.001-07:00

There may be few things in the world worse than wanting something and not being able to have it.

I search and search and search but nothing fills the ache for what I want and cannot have.

Nothing else fits. Nothing distracts. It's an unhealthy fixation that I must get over.

In other, happier news, my friend who's kicking cancer's ass is, in fact, kicking cancer's ass.

Wahoo!! :):) Keep fighting, girl!

It's snowing here. Someone forgot to tell the weather that it's May and therefore should rain instead of snow.

Snow.

I swear, it'll be snowing here in June or July this year.

There's more snow on Independence Pass than the plow crews have seen in two decades. They fully expect to see 20 foot (or more) drifts by the time they get to the top. And they don't expect to have it clear until after Memorial Day.

That's a lot of snow.

And yet, the fire danger is already high here in the valleys. Go figure.

........

Yep. I'm restless. Talk about fire danger.

Memory Keeper's Daughter

2008-04-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

I recently finished this book, and for anyone who wants to read it and hasn't, SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

With that being said, this book evoked a strong emotional reaction in me, which I'm sure it was designed to do. I understand David's reason for giving his daughter away (though not how he could do it) but for pity's sake, how could he spend his entire life lying to his wife?? His poor wife's entire life was a LIE! She didn't even know his real last name, for pete's sake! When she found out that Phoebe was alive, I cried so hard for her. How DARE he keep her daughter from her! How DARE he die without telling her and leave Caroline to do it? How DARE he keep his children from knowing each other their entire lives? The utter arrogance of this man is galling, I can't hardly stand to think about him without wanting to throw something (preferably this book) at him. I want to beat him to a pulp. He deserved all the misery he got. He objectified everyone around him in order to deal with his own selfish insecurity.

Uggh.

I can't imagine what this author must have gone through in order to dream up this book.

Loss

2008-04-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who's battling ovarian cancer. She is the sweetest, kindest, most enigmatic, bewitching person I know. I met her in college and we have been friends ever since.

Unfortunately, she lives in the D.C. area and it's hard for me to visit her. Last time we saw each other was in August, and we both cried when we parted because hey, when you're battling ovarian cancer, you never can tell when the last time really is the last time.

Now, she's in the hospital, again. She's been in the hospital for most of 2008. It's hard for her to communicate and I no longer have her current address because she's moved in with family to recover (when she isn't in the hospital). I have her phone number but she has tubes in her throat and can't talk.

I'm scared she'll die before we get to see each other again.

I know she's got other things to worry about right now and I hope she is concentrating all her energy on healing and getting better. The world cannot stand to lose her. It will truly be a loss for humanity.

But, I hope the powers that be whisper in her ear when all is quiet this message:

"I love you. I've always loved you. God be with you and take your pain. May your bright, shining spirit be a guide for us all. Don't give up."

God be with you, Kaihea. May God take away your pain. May God heal your body so that your spirit can shine through and inspire us all.

****************

I've also lost another friendship I've had since college. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I'm so sorry, and I hope when the dust settles you will call me again. I never meant for it to end like this. I wish you all the best.

******************

Finally, I'm voluntarily closing the door on yet another chapter of another friendship. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. To this person (who will probably never read this anyway), I say: "Thank you for our beautiful season. I wish you happiness and joy in your new season and lifetime."

All we can remember is that everything happens for a reason. God places us where he needs and wants us to be at any given moment. When things happen and you don't know the reason, remember, you may never know the reason, but God does. All we can do is try to learn the lesson he has set for us.

May God give me the strength to learn my lessons.

Peace to all.

Caribbean Cruise!

2008-04-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

We just had the best week spent cruising in the Southern Caribbean! We were on board Serenade of the Seas, on Royal Caribbean cruise line. We visited Charlotte Amalie, St Thomas; St. Maarten, Antigua, St. Lucia, and Bridgetown, Barbados. We snorkeled with sea turtles and did two different ziplines tours on St. Maarten and on Antigua. Unfortunately, no pictures of those, but they were damn fun. We ate ourselves silly, got dressed up for dinners and shows, enjoyed the sun, and hit the hot tub. Oh yeah, that was me dancing in the hot tub! :) I don't have any pictures of that either, but here are some of the better pictures from the trip.

Oh, and if you haven't cruised, I highly recommend it.

We rented a motorcycle on St. Thomas and drove all over the island. Justin did a great job driving on the LEFT side of the road!!
We visited a butterfly farm, also on St. Thomas. One even landed on my aunt's leg!
I'm a dork, so I haven't figured out how to rotate this, but this was the back of the dress I wore for one of the formal nights.

Me, chilling in my bikini, on the ship. Hell yeah, it only took three years to get back my body from pregnancy! Damn proud of it!This is my favorite picture, taken on St. Lucia.

It was a great trip!

About the Job

2008-03-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Dispatching is unique because in few other professions do you have so much influence on human life. It's also not a job most kids growing up think about. I've never heard a kid who didn't have a dispatcher in the family, say they wanted to be a 911 dispatcher when they grew up.

Yet a dispatcher has tremendous influence over the outcome of an emergency incident. For instance, a sharp-thinking dispatcher who takes the time to ask why the patient is bleeding profusely may discover that he has a knife, has slashed his wrists, and is threatening to take as many cops as he can with him when he dies. An unobservant or untrained dispatcher might never ask the question.

Dispatchers are the first people on scene of an emergency, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Just ask the dispatcher who EMDs (Emergency Medical Dispatch--trained dispatchers give medical instructions over the phone) a baby's birth successfully, or the unfortunate dispatcher who is the last person to speak to the poor soul who calls to say "I'm committing suicide at ______" and then pulls the trigger while on the phone, all because he doesn't want his body to rot where it falls.

These dispatchers are there, and they are just as much affected as the paramedics and firefighters who arrive in person to care for their patients.

Our dispatchers have worked a motor vehicle rollover where the car caught fire. The two occupants were trapped in the vehicle by the damage done in the rollover. Every time the frantic officer, who had used up his fire extinguisher in vain, keyed up the radio, the dispatchers could hear the men screaming as they burned. These screams, coupled with the officer's panicky anguish, will echo in the dispatchers' mind for a long time, possibly forever. They may not have seen the car, but they were there. In some ways, what we imagine is worse than the actual scene.

Yet we must go on, answering more mundane calls for service. Someone's in someone else's parking spot. Someone's roommate stole an iPod. The rest of the world doesn't stop for the two lost souls in the car. And so we answer the phone again. And again. And again. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year.

Welcome to dispatch.

Someday

2008-03-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

Someday, I'd like to write a book and have it published.

Someday, I'd like to save someone's life.

Someday, I want to achieve inner peace and keep it for more than one or two days.

Maybe...inner peace comes to those who don't chase it.

Maybe...it's something to be practiced instead.

One thing I've learned is that confidence needs to come from within.

True confidence cannot be given by someone else.

You have to know, deep down in your heart, that it is ok to be the person you are. You do not have to apologize for yourself to anyone.

I have the right to be loved and accepted for who I am.

I have the right to choose who I have in my life, and by whom I am influenced.

I don't have to be a slave to anyone or to anything.

I choose.

I choose peace.

I choose to keep fire in my heart, as impetus for passion.

I choose to have peace and passion co-exist in me.

I choose to wear my hair color as a symbol of my passion for life, my passion for peace, my passion for justice.

I choose to love myself, imperfect though I am, because God loves me.

There's a church sign down the street from my house that says "God's mercy is bigger than your greatest sin."

Isn't it a beautiful fact of life that that's true for all of us?

Some people's greatest sin is that they don't believe that statement.

Freedom of Choice.

Peace, people. Just be at peace. God is at peace. Why shouldn't we be at peace?

Random

2008-03-02T04:39:00.001-08:00

I went to the fastest wedding on record last night--it took a mere five minutes from the beginning to the end. I kid you not. It was the second marriage for both, so maybe they both thought they knew the drill. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful, the bride cried and looked lovely in her dress, and he was handsome in his tux. But 5 minutes? Holy cow.

As part of my job we have to watch prisoners on camera. It seems to me, that if you are in jail, yelling about how you want your phone call is not going to get it faster. After the first time you've made your request, isn't it kind of obvious what you want? It's like they're 5 years old and whining for a new toy, and they think if they whine enough Mom and Dad will give in. I guess it's not getting past that mentality that lands them in jail.

I don't know how I stayed in touch with my friends without text messaging. I have a friend from middle school whom I've started texting with, and I quite enjoy our text conversations. I wish I had started texting her before now. Think of all the time we've lost! We both have kids so it's too hard to carry on a phone conversation without "MOMMY" on both ends, but texting allows us to do it on our terms and not be interrupted. What a great invention. And to think, when I first heard of it, I pooh-poohed it. I thought it would never catch on. OOPS.

Does anyone else think that Hillary's campaign would go much better if she gagged her husband and threw him in a closet?

I guess that's enough random for now. Here's a shout-out for my friend Kaihea, who's been in the hospital for a staggering six weeks trying to recuperate from complications from her cancer fight. Kaihea, I'm visualizing you cancer and pain free RIGHT NOW!! Take care of you...

Love to all

BEACH!!!

2008-02-15T11:42:00.001-08:00

Here's some pics from San Diego...we had an awesome time! Oh, and the fire conference was totally worth it. I learned a lot!

I love the beach...the waves are awesome!
But it was windy and so that made me cold. I still got in the water, though!

Pic of me and my honey kissing on the beach!Watching the sun go down on the beach was the perfect way to end our trip. We went out to dinner at Buca di Beppo that night and caught an early plane the next morning. We definitely want to bring kiddo back to play in the sand!

Recipe for me

2008-02-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

Just in case you wondered how to replicate me....

***The Recipe For Jennifer***
3 parts Talent
2 parts Sass
1 part Rebellion
Splash of Defiance
Chug!
What's the Recipe for Your Personality?http://www.blogthings.com/whatstherecipeforyourpersonalityquiz/

San Diego

2008-02-10T04:28:00.001-08:00

Few things I learned in San Diego:

1. The sidewalks are actually quite comfortable to lie on when pleasantly intoxicated.

2. It is not always warm in California.

3. People in California are even friendlier than they are in Colorado.

4. It is almost impossible not to laugh or think dirty thoughts when the staff at the Hard Rock Hotel answers the phone "Hard Rock Hotel, how may I rock your world?"

5. The beach is awesome.

More to come, when I have pictures to post. It was a great trip.

The Finger

2008-01-29T02:09:00.000-08:00

My cousin had this cool quiz on her blog today. So I stole it. Thanks, cuz!

***You Are the Index Finger***
You are ambitious, driven, and capable.You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it.You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it.
You get along well with: The Thumb
Stay away from: The Ring Finger
What Finger Are You?http://www.blogthings.com/whatfingerareyouquiz/

Acts of Love

2008-01-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

One of the most unselfish, meaningful acts of love I have been privileged to experience comes from my daughter, who's 3.

She has a Pooh Bear that is her dearest, most treasured possession. He sleeps with her, gets dragged around by her, is never far from her side. He is a well-loved bear.

From about six months old, she has slept with him, and the position for her is thumb in the mouth, Bear's paw rubbing against her nose. Every once in a while she will switch paws.

When I have been a good mommy, or just because she feels like sharing, she will climb onto my lap with Bear, take his paw, and tenderly, gently, rub my nose with his paw.

She shares her Bear with me.

How humbling.

I hope that I am always worthy of this precious gift, both the sharing of Bear and my treasured daughter, herself.

7 Things

2008-01-21T23:00:00.000-08:00

7 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I have a 1983 Yamaha Virago, red, that I love to ride

2. I love my job but the ideal one would be one that paid me to read all day long

3. Some day I'd like to go to Ireland and fit in with the other redheads.

4. I'd also like to visit every state.

5. I have knocked Hawaii and Alaska off that list already, thanks to my dad.

6. I love the smell of rain and freshly laundered clothes

7. I believe that angels masquerade as people all the time. We just have to notice and appreciate them.

Not part of the list, but one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was the full moon tonight, shining gorgeously brightly as the snow blasted out of the sky.

In Response to Tigers

2008-01-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was in anguish. Today, I have hope, thanks to this beautiful poem by Hafiz sent to me by my dear stepfather. Thanks, Dad.

There Could Be Holy Fallout

We are often in battle.
So often defending every side of the fort,
It may seem, all alone.

Sit down, my dear,
Take a few deep breaths,
Think about a loyal friend.
Where is your music,
Your pet, a brush?

Surely one who has lasted as long as you
Knows some avenue or place inside
That can give a sweet respite.

If you cannot slay your panic,
Then say within
As convincingly as you can,
“It is all God’s will!”

Now pick up your life again.
Let whatever is out there
Come charging in,

Laugh and spit into the air,
There could be holy fallout.

Throw those ladders like tiny match sticks
With “just” phantoms upon them
Who might be trying to scale your heart.

Your love has an eloquent tone.
The sky and I want to hear it.

If you still feel helpless
Give our battle cry again.

Hafiz
Has shouted it a myriad times.

“It is all,
It is all the Beloved’s will!

What is that luminous rain I see
All around you in the future

Sweeping in from the east plain?

It looks like, O it looks like
Holy fallout

Filling your mouth and palms
With Joy!

Tigers

2008-01-20T01:22:00.000-08:00

I read an article today that quotes someone as saying "ginger confers absolute power over tigers." Well, actually, the article says that ginger doesn't do that but that it does many other things.

This tiger concept caught me. How many of you have tigers in your lives? Maybe some of you are lucky enough to have real tigers; I wouldn't mind but I think it's illegal in my part of the country. I see tigers as those problems that really stalk you. They crop up again and again. Fend them off with a chair, calm them with music, vanquish them with a whip, but tigers are hard to kill and they're beautiful so why would you want to?

Tigers? Problems? beautiful? yep, you gotta say they're beautiful because you have to claim them as your own, sooner or later. And if you claim them, eventually you have to do something about them, and those are opportunitites to grow.

Now, growth hurts. Ask any kid having growing pains, or someone growing new skin after being burned. But I think being stagnant is even more painful. Who wants to stay the same your entire life?

The problem comes when you are committed to someone else, and your individual growth causes friction. You're not growing together, you're growing against eaach other. That's a different kind of pain. Your tigers are not the same as the other person's tigers.

Maybe one is black and one is white.

Or maybe just varying shades of orange.

Why struggle with the tigers? Why not embrace them, enjoy their beauty and forever keep them close?

Ah, but tigers are carnivores and you can no more change their nature than you could change their stripes. Their essential nature is to attack, to hunt, to stalk, to kill.

So, I want "absolute power over any tigers." I want to be unstalked, unhunted.

How does this occur?

I think we are talking about peace. Peace in the heart, peace in the mind, peace in the soul.

And so I pray. For peace. Continually. Always.

"Absolute power over any tigers."

Living the Past

2008-01-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

Generally, I live my life in the present. I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking "what if" because it's pointless. And I believe that God has a purpose for all of us, and a plan. But....

I had a friend in high school named Tony Harrison. In our theatre world (Yep, I was a thespian), he was my big brother. And since we both had flaming red hair, he really could have been my big brother. Lucky he wasn't, though, because I loved him. Oh, my goodness, how I loved him. He was such a deep person, he had these thoughts and ideas that I had never encountered before. Unfortunately, along with that came demons of the mind I'd never encountered before either. Without getting too much into a story that no one really wants to hear, his demons got him. He tried to change his name to Beau Bronwyn and pretend he'd never met me or any of his other friends. Being a caring friend, I tracked him down at his new job and told him how insane that was, which of course he didn't take too well.

And then, he fell off the face of the earth. Literally. He told his parents he was joining some cult, I think, and took off and no one has heard from him since. Not his family, not his grandparents (whom he adored, and the relationship was mutual) and certainly not his friends. Now, I dream about him every now and then, and in my dreams I'm always so overjoyed to find him, and heartbroken when I wake up and find out it was just a dream. Again. I just want to know what happened to him, even if he's gone from this world. There must be a reason I can't get him out of my head. Maybe I'm supposed to help him. I don't know. But I need to find him.

He has failed to resurface on any website I can find. I've searched MySpace, Classmates.com, tried to search death records, etc. Now, I'm reaching out to anyone who can help me find him. Here is what I know:

Anthony Wayne Harrison
went to Cherry Creek High School
DOB 05/16/75
about 5'7" or so
may have changed name to Beau Bronwyn
last known to live in the Englewood, CO area

If you know this person, or know how to search and find him, please help me. I'll post a picture of him as soon as I figure out my scanner.

Thanks.

Thought-Provoking Question

2008-01-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Is love ever wrong?

My First Meme

2007-12-29T00:10:00.000-08:00

So, new at this, if I do it wrong I'm trusting Mary Dawn to tell me...
But I'm not tagging 12 people. I'll tag Cathi, whose blog I've been faithfully reading for years. Hopefully she won't hate me forever for doing so.

Loves to chat. --yep
Loves those who loves them. --definitely
Loves to take things at the center. --huh? What does that mean?
Inner and physical beauty. --wow, thanks!
Lies but doesn’t pretend. --what? Don't know what that means either
Gets angry often. --unfortunately but I'm working on it
Treats friends importantly. Yes.
Always making friends. --not so much
Easily hurt but recovers easily.--Maybe
Daydreamer. --Yes
Opinionated. YES
Does not care of what others think. I care...but less and less the older I get
Emotional. I can be
Decisive. YES!
Strong clairvoyance. Yes
Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Absolutely!
Touchy and easily jealous. I hope not. I'm not a jealous person
Concerned. About what? Usually concerned about what concerns me
Loves outdoors. Yep!
Just and fair. I hope so!
Spendthrift. Not lately...
Easily influenced. Depends on the situation
Easily loses confidence.--No
Loves children. Yes.

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth (see below).
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!

All Months:
JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

My Christmas Prayer

2007-12-23T21:46:00.000-08:00

This is my Christmas Prayer, dedicated to all:

For the weary at heart, I wish for you hope;

For the suicidaln and despondent, I wish for you clarity of sight, that you may see beyond dark despair into the light of a new day;

For those dealing with mental illness, I wish for you comfort and understanding;

For those struggling with drug and/or alcohol addiction, I wish for you freedom from your demons;

For those far from family, I wish for you good friends and good company;

For those who are blessed enough not to fall into any of the above categories, I wish for you a grateful heart.

For everyone, everywhere, I wish for you peace, love, and happiness. We are blessed with beauty all around us, if we only choose to see it. Find beauty in a child's delight, a co-worker's smile, a passerby's kind deed, the moon shining on and through the snow. Find peace in the joyousness of the season, the quiet wonder of the world becoming reborn along with our Saviour's coming. Find happiness in the sunrise, the sunset, the glorious small details of life on this planet.

Pause with me now, and take a deep breath, and feel the anticipation of the world, the peace His coming brings, and the blessings bestowed on us all: life, love, and the ability to feel gratitude for it all.

Merry Christmas, world. Joyeux Noel. May Peace be with you.

Origin of name

2007-12-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

Alegria--Spanish word meaning elation/euphoria

Fury--my husband's nickname for me and my fire department nickname.

Being a redhead, the Fury nickname was probably inevitable.

Alegria--well, it's the name of a Cirque du Soleil show. If you haven't seen a Cirque show, you are truly missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures. I highly recommend seeing one: Ka, in Vegas, if you can get there. And while you're in Vegas, check out O and Mystere too. You won't be sorry.

Elation/euphoria is a highly desirable state of mind, and one that I strive toward. Fury doesn't have to indicate anger. One can have a fury of emotion and not be mad. Just intense.

Yep, that pretty well describes how I try to live my life. Euphoric and happy.

Peace to you in this season of Advent.

2007-12-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

Dear .......

Today I happened to look at a slideshow picture of the latest fires in Malibu. The hills were burning. This picture is of the tree we sat under when we discussed the terms of our relationship back then. Do you remember the tree? On the campus of Pepperdine University, with the sea wind blowing in our hair and the sun going down in a ball of fire into the ocean? The short grass was a rough carpet under our feet as we sat on a stone bench and you tried to tell me what you were all about, what defined you as a person, at least at that moment in time.

I was dazzled, by the California air and the beauty of the place, and the beauty of your face and your eyes as we talked for an hour or more. I remember feeling free, light as a bird, like I could fly anywhere as long as it was by your side. The world seemed full of possibilities and I knew that nothing could disturb us; nothing would change how we felt about each other at that precise moment. I thought it would always be you and me, tied inexplicably together, something in our souls merging and joining in friendship and harmony.

We were so young. That night I attended your dance performance. I watched your creations moving along the stage, violets and cyans and brilliant blood reds playing on the dancers’ bodies, in rhythm to the music throbbing throughout the theatre. I watched you at the board, orchestrating, your eyes full of passion for your one and only true love. It was a world for which you were born; the theatre is a world made to be carefully wrought, no mistakes permitted, only beauty and light and drama that gets wrapped up neatly at the end and leaves you to think but with none of the messy aftereffects of real life drama. We both loved it but you were the only one able to live in it.

Now, of course, we are not nearly so close. We move in different orbits, separated by so much time and distance that our previous lives seem like a dream, at least to me. Deep inside me, though, I still long for those days when everything was so complicated on the surface, and now I see that it was so simple. I thought all I had to do was dream big and I would make it to the stars, that nothing would ever change and that friends stayed friends forever and the world turned exactly as I thought it should. How naïve. The world changes by the minute, and we are the casualties.

You still live in my heart. I’ve always known it but stumbling across this picture was like a sucker-punch to the soul. I’d know that tree anywhere, and the setting, and looking at it makes me realize that we are not so very far away from those March days that seemed so full of possibilities. You just knew even then who you were, and I had no idea who I was, and here we are. You still know who you are and I still search for me.

Beauty in unexpected places

2007-12-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it snowed most of the day in our neck of the woods. For those who don't know me, I live in the mountains, in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Anyway, I happened to go to the store last night around 5:30 PM. It was getting dark. The snow clouds; in fact, the snowline, was just to the East of the store, so it wasn't snowing directly on us but it was about a quarter mile away, so the clouds were still above us. But to the west...to the west is Red Hill, and the sun had gone down behind it, still kind of glowing under the lid of clouds. In between the hill and the cloud was the thinnest fingernail moon, silver and shining in quiet glory.

Pretty darn cool. Snow behind me, silver moon going down in front of me. I'm standing there appreciating this in what feels like 0 degree weather, since the wind is blowing like crazy and chilling me to the bone. A sane person would have gone inside. Or maybe the sane person would have done exactly what I did, which was stand there in the middle of the parking lot and marvel that God places such beauty before us, to either appreciate or disregard as we will.

This morning I had to drive to work at 6 AM. The roads were snowpacked and icy, requiring my attention. And as the sky lightened, I was treated to snowy trees, snowy mountains, and snow drifting lazily out of the sky. The view outside my work window was of the ski mountain, draped in the foot of snow that has fallen in the last day or two. The aspen trees were as pretty as any Ansel Adams picture I've seen. Wish I could pull my memory of the gorgeous day dawning, like they do with the Pensieve. Hopefully this blog will suffice.

Beauty is all around us, all the time. Whether we choose to appreciate it or just go about our busy day is up to us. Sure, I could have grumbled about shoveling my friend's rather large driveway. Instead I took the opportunity to listen to quiet Christmas music, be alone with my thoughts, and reflect on the meaning of the season.

Thank you, God, for giving me a grateful heart.

The First Post

2007-12-11T21:36:00.001-08:00

I've never blogged before, although I am a pretty opinionated person. I never really felt like my opinions mattered much to the world. But I am in need of an outlet for writing, to feel like I matter in the world, even if it is just to me. I am a mother, a wife, a 911 dispatcher, but first and foremost, I am a woman. I'm a woman trying desperately to hold onto control of my identity, even if I can't control anything else in my life. And so, through this blog, I will try to define my identity and hold it, cherished, in my heart.

Welcome along, anyone who reads this. I hope you find meaning and love in your life.